The Elysian Girl

Elysian describes a blissful state. A state that I slowly but surely work everyday towards achieving. Peace, bliss, beauty, grace. These are all things I aspire to be – to have in my life. The word originates from the word Elysian – in classical mythology – also known as the Elysian Fields – the paradise reserved for heroes immortalized by the Gods. Ancient Greek poets imagined it as the abode of the blessed after death. The first recorded use of Elysian to be used to describe a blissful state by Shakespear. 

Now for the time old question. Who am I? Let’s start with the physical. I am 5’7. Brown eyes. Brown hair. Tinge of balayage. What about my hobbies? My hobbies and interests include art, fashion and design. I enjoy movement – even when it is hard and makes me hate my body. But I am always trying to be better. I try to lift and kickbox and practice yoga. I like to eat but I am conscious about how much I eat now. For my 9-5 I work at the intersection of tech and sustainability but I just wrapped up a yoga teacher training. I am passionate about the environment, human rights, spirituality and storytelling. I love this planet and everything it has to offer but I think a lot about the darkness we experience on it. Books, reading, philosophy and old films often feel like home. As a child my head was either in a novel or philosophical book, either thinking about love or debating what the purpose of this existence is.

In the past, I have loaded up my plate so full that I had no time to relax. But I am also someone who enjoys being busy. I am someone who finds safety and security in my home and those closest to me. I am someone who likes to feel safe and secure through the warmth and comfort of those closest to me. Feeling abandoned is something I struggle with and I handle with difficulty. I am still on my healing journey. I enjoy subway rides. I enjoy music. I enjoy passing time in a way that does not feel unsafe or burdensome – especially when I am alone. 

I have a deep inner world but sometimes my body and mind hold fear around accessing it. Diving deep into my thoughts sometimes terrifies me. Being vulnerable also terrifies me. I don’t like being vulnerable especially with new people [especially men] when I don’t think they are capable of making and holding space for me. I think vulnerability and abandonment go hand in hand. I say things like I want to be kind, gentle, patient and graceful but at times I can’t help being angry, aggressive, petty and ungraceful. I know I am trying to do better and have done a lot better than I have in the past but sometimes the loudness, the aggression, the pettiness can’t help come out. 

While I rationally understand that it is hard to let go of old habits, I gently remind myself to not engage in self sabotaging behaviours. Self sabotaging feels good, it feels safe, but it is holding me and my growth back. Change does not happen overnight. Be kind, be gentle and be patient with yourself. Show yourself grace and empathy. If I want to show up for others in a kind, gentle and patient manner, then I must do the same for myself. And it’s okay for these things to take time. There is no rush or pressure. Only the pressure I impose on myself. Time isn’t real and if the universe has something planned for you, there’s nothing you can do to change the outcome if you just wait.